Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
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How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
One of the best
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet