Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
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it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
If only
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through