Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
You Might Also Like
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”