My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
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3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.