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Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Don鈥檛 check on your introverted friends this time of year. They鈥檙e probably turning their lights off and pretending they鈥檙e not home
Wouldn鈥檛 it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN鈥橳 get all excited at her boyfriend鈥檚 games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHR脰DINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 馃幎Like a good neighbor, state farm is there馃幎
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
My coffee maker broke so I鈥檓 using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
You can鈥檛 fix everything, you鈥檙e not a giant asteroid.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: