a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
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Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened