Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
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her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Strange
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Ovenable?
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?