Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
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I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Who says great literature is dead?
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?