Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
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Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
It be like that sometimes 😆
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?