these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
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Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.