One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
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[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”