Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
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when mom throws a party…
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
The big book of baby names but for safe words
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.