If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
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Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
definitely did not do anything wrong
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on