Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
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Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
The future is now.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.