I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
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Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Flock of bats
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
forgive me baja for i have blast
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.