People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
You Might Also Like
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured