Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
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Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
My good tweets are in my other pants.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Thank Satan it’s Monday.