Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
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hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
October already? What’s next? November????
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified