Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
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I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.