Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
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Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.