Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
You Might Also Like
Word.
~ Microsoft.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day