[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
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I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
My teenage children choosing violence
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.