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Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Legend 🤣🤣
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad