The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
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Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am