Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
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i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
socratic questions
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.