What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
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“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
*seductively eats two tums*
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
When you kidnap a writer.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
I’m being attacked 😭
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate