I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
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{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
the Monday after daylight savings
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”