No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
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8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit