When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
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*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
I’m literally crying
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
🙂🐾
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.