It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
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friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!