We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
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[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Finally!
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Start the year as you intend to continue.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.