[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
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My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving