My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
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I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!