A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
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I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?