3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
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I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Worlds greatest photobomb
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!