I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
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In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
scares
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.