Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
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Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what