FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
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“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
For the orator and chef in all of us
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate