she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
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She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on