If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
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I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues