If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
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I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.