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WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
i choose….tongue
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?