*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
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Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
For the orator and chef in all of us
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.