Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
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If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Happy Halloween 🎃
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”