judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
You Might Also Like
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Where is your GOD now????
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”