(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
You Might Also Like
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles