hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
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A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.