The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
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*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face