I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
You Might Also Like
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…