me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
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*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Strange
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Said the murderer.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”